What I learned river rafting on the Nile in Africa

As soon as I became pregnant with my first born son I lost my edge. Not in a bad way, I simply shifted to motherly protection mode. Once he was born though, I absolutely was suffering from post partum anxiety. I struggled with the overwhelming fear of bad things happening to him and was constantly in a state of heightened awareness and stress. I like to think that I managed better after each of my three children however I can still be overcome with obsessive and anxious thoughts regarding their safety albeit not as frequent.

It's been so long that I've been like this that sometimes I forget it wasn't always this way. In high school and college I was fairly impulsive and up for adventure My husband and I joke because if we are ever chatting with friends about the scariest or most dangerous thing we've ever done he loves to bring up the time I river rafted on the Nile in Uganda, Africa.

As the story goes, I was 18 and our group decided to take a guided river rafting trip down the Nile. I was initially petrified as the videos in the hostel were epic, with people being flung all over the place. We were told there would be rapids up to class 5, which my understanding at the time was that class 6 was the highest rating.

Not to be the party pooper, and with a little encouragement, I signed the release form along with everyone else the following morning. It was a gorgeous day out and all the guides were so upbeat and welcoming, we each jumped in our assigned raft without hesitation. Our guide was from New Zealand and he had that undeniable New Zealand energy and charm.

As we were getting acquainted and learning all the do's and don'ts for the day, he kindly informs us he'll be flipping our raft in a class 5 rapid. He says matter of factly, "you'll see white, green and black, but the longest you'll be under is 25 seconds". Now, I'm a swimmer and had competed all through high school.

I was never great but very confident and proficient in the water so I wasn't panicked, however this news was still somewhat unsettling. He though, had full confidence in this going very well for all of us which helped our fairly quick acceptance of it. We had confirmation about half way into our day that he was indeed a man of his word as he stood up, grabbed the rope on the front of the raft and flipped our entire group into the biggest rapid we'd ever seen.

And just like he said I would, I saw white, green and black. I'm not sure how long I was under but can attest if felt like an eternity. And again, just like he said we would, our heads popped up one by one and we rode the current to calmer waters and climbed aboard the raft once more. For those of you asking, yes, yes there were poisonous snakes, crocodiles, parasites and other entities, that had I been any more informed about might have had the sense to be afraid of. Not surprisingly, those things were not aforementioned in the welcome talk.

Oddly enough this memory kept showing up for me when I was processing some pretty deep emotional pain following a separation and consequent divorce. I would hear the words: you are going to see white, green and black but the longest you will be under is 25 seconds...

I lived that experience over and over again in my own way. When the pain and shame spirals would begin I would start to go under. I would see white, it would worsen and I'd start to see green and when it got really bad all I could see was black. It felt like death at times. I may have wondered on occasion if I was in fact dying, and in ways I might have been. I would wonder if I would ever see the surface again. As promised though I wouldn't stay there long and somehow I always made it to the top, breaking though that surface layer gasping for air.

This experience led me to thinking or realizing that pain was just pain. Pain didn't mean that I was wrong or bad. It didn't mean that I had to take it all back or change course or solve anything. It didn't even mean that it was trying to kill me. Pain was just pain. It was awful, terrifying, life altering, but it seemed to come in waves. Learning to understand, anticipate, endure it helped to me feel more equipped and capable. Learning to trust that the intensity would pass and I would experience some relief, believing that I wouldn't be under long.

You are going to go under sometimes. Those are just the facts. It doesn't have to mean anything other than you are a human being just like the rest of us. You are experiencing the width and depth of loss, heartbreak or suffering. You are in pain.

People may try to hold your pain over you or you may hold it over yourself. You may think you got what you deserved or they may point out that you chose this for yourself. You very well might have, but that doesn't mean that your head isn't going to pop up, that you aren't going to get your bearings and climb up on that raft because that is beyond a shadow of a doubt exactly what you are going to do, you have to.

I've learned to make friends with pain, to understand that the purpose of existing is not to avoid pain at all costs. Even though that is a tempting feat, especially as a parent. The people I've met that avoid pain at all costs are missing out greatly on a life fully lived. I'm not saying it's easy or enjoyable, I am simply saying from my own personal experience with it, I am better equipped to look for the opportunity, for the beauty, for the growth potential, for the healing. Pain and evolution coexist.

As a mother I have to will myself to allow the growth and development of my children through their own struggles and hardship, quieting the urge to save them from it. Protecting them from pain at all costs, costs them their own personal power and deeper understanding of themselves and humanity. Costs them confidence in themselves, learning over time and through difficulty that they are capable and able to do hard things. With the highs of Joy, living freely and loving fully comes with it pain, darkness and loss at times.

To live feeling owed a pure existence of more joy than pain is foolhardy and sets one up for disappointment and bitterness, even envy and despair. We can't escape enduring pain at times and even more than that pain in your life is not a mark against you. It is a mark of your humanity, it binds us all together in shared experiences and fortitude, and often brings with it the potential for growth and personal development. Not that we would choose it, but since it's here we may as well find a silver lining.

Whatever you are facing, it is my prayer for you, for us all that we keep looking for the light at the top and that we don't stay under for too long. Reach for your life lines, reach for safe people, reach for yourself. The you deep down, the you you can be, the one who has what it takes to rise to the top and rise to the top again. No matter how dark the moments feel, know there is light just up ahead.

You may not know it yet but your future is so bright and you are worth every effort!

Keep going,

I'll forever be in your corner,

Jenny Xx