The story we tell ourselves and what to do about it

I have always had a really vivid imagination, I make stories and pictures and I follow the storyline all the way to the end.  As a kid it was the same, probably more intense because I couldn't balance it with maturity and reason.  I replayed the same story over and over and over.  Whether I was walking through a field, taking the bus, sitting in class, driving in the car.  Always the same.  I was a failure.  I wasn’t worth it.  I was an embarrassment and a joke.  I would eventually need to run away or kill myself.  I would never be anybody because if I wasn’t anybody then I couldn't hurt anybody. 

Maybe if all I did were good things, maybe I could earn love or acceptance in some way.  Maybe somehow I would redeem myself.  I would imagine catching a train, or traveling somewhere, disappearing, hiding, leaving, being alone, figuring it out, finding a way to survive on my own.  From very young, this was the narrative running the show, day in and day out.  Extreme internal stress and shame.  My deep belief was that I was worthless.  I had nothing to offer.  My only offering would be goodness.  If I could just be good from here on out, I’ll just be good. 

This worked for me in some ways. It soothed my anxiety and fear, I had a plan.  Without knowing it, this storyline would set the course for my life.  What I would allow in, what I would push away.  What I believed I was capable or worthy of accomplishing and what I felt I did or didn't deserve.

Sadly, I don’t think I'm alone in this.  Likely most of us have carried with us some beliefs that helped us make sense of things as kids we couldn't quite understand. And even though for a time they served us or kept us safe, are now holding us back and hurting us further.  As adults we don’t realize that we are still attached to this way of thinking and believing, having made these decisions about ourselves as children. Being adults or being older at least, we now have more information, a broader perspective, more resources and frame of reference. As adults we can choose what we want to think and believe about ourselves.

If I think on it I can usually trace a behavior back to a belief. Maybe I'm procrastinating on hitting publish on something I've written. Maybe I'm super insecure around a person that seems to have it all figured out or maybe I'm hesitant to hit the gym or follow through on that phone call or meeting. It's possible that deep down I don’t feel like I am worth it. Maybe I'll be embarrassed or embarrass others, maybe someone will remember the time I was less than stellar and it will make whatever I'm saying or doing obsolete. Maybe I'm not supposed to be the pretty one or the smart one so I should just keep to myself and stay quiet. Remembering how awful it felt the times things backfired when I’ve put myself out there makes it pretty challenging to try again. Maybe you can relate.

It’s not rocket science or even a new concept for that matter and yet these patterns of belief are holding us back more than they need to.  Taking a deep dive into some of those big childhood wounds and beliefs, reflecting on where it all began, might be the thing that helps us to see patterns in our thinking, believing and behaving.

What could be possible if we chose new beliefs? What could be possible for you?

What if our life wasn’t random and wasn’t happening to us? What if there was more to it. What if it was the story we are telling ourselves, playing out our own narratives stemming from our beliefs about ourselves and about the world.

And if that were true, could changing our beliefs change everything?

I know it did for me. I no longer believe I am worthless. I can still feel triggered or feel those feelings of fear and shame. However, I no longer choose to believe them. I believe that I am capable of creating a life I'm proud of. I believe I am worthy of forgiveness and compassion. I choose to believe that failings and setbacks don't define me. Those beliefs are a choice that I intentionally live from, even if at times they don't always feel true. I move differently through the world now and have been building a new foundation to operate from. Like I said I still can really struggle at times, but I'm not blind as to why. When things get tough I can make more of an effort to speak truth and belief over myself and not succumb to the old lies about who I am and what I'm capable of. Those lies can feel true but I know they aren't true.

Journal prompt:

Take a few minutes to think back on some of your deep childhood wounds and challenges.  Hurts that stuck and impacted you.  They don’t have to be even major ones from an outside view.  Maybe you overheard someone say something about you.  Maybe you felt you were treated differently than your siblings.  Maybe you suffered an injury or health issue.  They are usually the story that keeps coming up for you or the story that is linked to current emotional triggers.

Now think about what as a kid you thought that meant about you.  What were the thoughts and feelings you associated with those experiences?  Did you think it meant you were not as important as your siblings, you weren't meeting beauty expectations from friends and family, you weren’t good at sports, you were born sick and weak, you were bad or shameful or otherwise? 

Observing our past from an adults perspective can help us assess and change any old beliefs or thoughts that are no longer serving our life moving forward.

What old beliefs are coming up?  Do you still believe them?  Do you still think they are true?  If not how come? 

What belief could you have instead?  If you chose a different belief about yourself, how would you show up differently?  If you believed you were worthy of love, of care, of safety, how would your life change?  If you believed you were capable of healing, or overcoming your current situation, what would your next step be?  What would you have to believe about yourself to step into the life that you want?

What would you let go of and what would you want to invite in?

From me to you, as a starting point...

You are so at ease and at peace knowing and believing that healing is possible, that you are capable of releasing old ways of thinking and behaving, that what you want is available to you, that you are worthy of the life, relationships and experience that you desire.

You trust that everything is happening in it’s perfect time, that good is on it’s way, that everything is working together for your good and the good of others. 

You feel so relaxed, calm and safe, and because you feel so safe you are able to easily release old ways of thinking and believing that are no longer serving you and you are forming new beliefs right this very moment...

Your future is so bright and you are worth every effort!

Keep going.

I'll be here, forever in your corner,

Jenny Xx