Catch and release: A few things I learned and observed during the early years of shared parenting time.

Shared time.  We catch them, hold them close, and then, we let them go. 

This was quite the process for me, as I'm sure it’s been for many of you.  The feelings that come up can be really intense.  There is the law, preference, our kids own feelings about it, our feelings about it, our schedules and shift work.  Not to mention our own regret, longing, grief and limited resources, emotional and otherwise. It’s not as simple as we all wish it was. 

Some of us have supportive and caring, equal minded people to co parent with and some of us don’t.  We can only predict and prepare for so much. We can set the tone and show up as best we can but they are going to come from their own angle and perspective and that may not always make for productive and safe encounters or exchanges. And often, without always meaning to, we bring our own limitations and hindrances as well. Something I had to learn the hard way was that sometimes it’s hard because we’ve made it hard. 

As a side note, our kids have to practically live out our consequences on a daily and weekly basis, so remember to be patient and gracious with them first and foremost.  Shared time is hard for everyone so it's important to make the best of a difficult situation for everyone's sake, including the other parent.

Firstly, my experience of making a bad situation worse. 

My kids struggled, as many do to go back and forth.  Their pain was almost too much for me to bare and so I wanted to blur the lines. I wanted to give in and let them stay or go based on a whim or their emotional pain or suffering.  What I learned though is that the more I gave in to their whims, the more responsibility they felt for who they wanted to be with. 

This created extreme anxiety and acting out.  They felt more in control but in non productive ways, always wondering which way they should go. If they said they want to leave it could be to make sure the other parent isn’t alone, then could be left to feel bad themselves that they chose to leave a parent behind.  When I clued in that I needed to be firmer with stronger boundaries, they started to settle. 

We needed to create that safety for them, we needed to set the boundaries, placing responsibility on ourselves, not on them.  They needed to relax and be kids, not be the ones in charge of how we as the adults would feel. Simply put, we had to be the parents. 

In fairness their dad understood this sooner and better than I did.  I was the one who couldn't manage my own emotions around their discomfort and struggled so badly to set proper boundaries. I was shamelessly overcompensating. I had to come to the realization that letting them go with confidence and encouragement, setting boundaries and learning to manage my emotions was good for them and my own work to do. I had to take ownership over my part in the dynamic.

Secondly, a perspective shift I used to help the kids and I deal with our circumstances, was to think: how is this hard thing equipping us?  What skill are we having to learn to cope with this situation?  I started to think about life skills, resilience, and strength.  I would aim to use language that empowered them, for instance: you guys have become such great packers! Or, because you guys have been through this and have had to do things you have not want to do, you’ve become really resilient and adaptable.

I aimed to see them as an individual facing life in their own way, building experience and skills for their own futures.  Not ideal, and not to make light of a hard situation, however these adaptations though slight, seemed to help emotionally deal with the day to day. 

If your kids are in a divorce situation, it is my belief that the solution can not simply be to say that they are a statistic and their life is ruined.  We needn't limit their capacity to our failings.  Yes, in ways we have failed them but we can also believe they will rise above it and can commit ourselves to doing our absolute best to equip them and help them navigate through it. Pain is inevitable so it has to become more about how we walk through it with them and not simply attempting to avoid or deny pain altogether.  

Meaning, it's not so much about the type of storm they are facing as much as it is about being the lighthouse and believing in the ship. You can hold the posture for your children that no matter how rough the waters become, you will always be there for them no matter what. Even more than that, you believe in them and their ability to make it home, no matter what they may be up against.

Something I found helpful for me and for them, was to give them a visual of how I was going to be when they were gone. 

This helps them to know that you are going to be okay, you are going to take care of yourself and fill your time.  Not because you are so happy they are gone but because you are capable of taking care of yourself.  They don’t need to worry about you, you are going to manage when they are gone and you are so thankful they get to spend time with their other parent (safe parents obvs).  Relationships are important and it’s valuable to show by example how we maintain our important and safe relationships, ideally with both parents when possible.  It’s a value to help them learn and embody for themselves. 

We have to think long term and ask ourselves what are we teaching them when we support a decision or a thought process?  What is the bigger lesson and impact?  It seemed obvious to me that healthy kids have a healthy and stable relationship with both parents (when possible and safe for them of course). By undermining the other parent now because you have issues with them or they aren’t parenting how you think they should, you are potentially creating difficulties and pain for your child for years to come.  They may eventually resent that you didn’t push them to maintain that relationship, remember they are kids.  They will one day look back at their childhood with an adults perspective and insight.

They are depending on you to see the things they can’t see and protect them from themselves and their unknowing.  We know how important parent relationships are, we have to teach that and example it as a value.  I also learned and saw that the more separation from the other parent, even if the child is asking for it, can create more anxiety and stress.  More time one way or the other may seem an instant fix but ends up being a long term blunder.  Sometimes the child needs more time with the other parent to form a bond, to be forced to lean on that other parent, to begin to trust that their needs will be met there, to learn to communicate their needs and learn that they can improve their relationship over time.  It also gives that parent a chance to learn and improve over time too. Especially if they were not the main caregiver during the marriage.

If we keep kids from safe and willing parents just because we are mad, punishing, anxious or jealous we are hindering the continued growth and improvement that happens over time.  It may not be smooth but over time, both parties will adapt and get better.  Again, this really is only speaking to parents who are legally and otherwise equipped to parent.  If there isn’t safety, that is a horse of a different color. 

Parenting can feel so challenging at times because the stakes are so high. No matter our intentions we will fail them, ourselves and others. It takes a lot of mental capacity to face their pain, especially when we feel responsible.

And yet, I believe, there is hope. We can learn and grow through the difficulty of divorce. We can keep showing up as best we can, willing to learn and adapt as needed. Willing to ask for forgiveness and be willing to forgive.

Don't give up on yourself, and don't give up on them! If anyone needs you to be your best today, it's them.

As for you, if you need some support to get there, please don't hesitate to reach out.

I'll be here, forever in your corner,

Jenny Xx